It’s been a long time since I knew what I wanted. It was never just a person, it’s this idea I have in my head that someone else would come along and save me or something. Or that maybe for once I could mean something more than just a boyfriend or an escape.
I had that in my first long relationship. But it was with the wrong person, the wrong setting. My dad likes to say I need to date someone that doesn’t have a big family and stuff like that because it just means that I’ll always come second and I’m not really one for liking second place.
I get used to things. I get used to waking up to texts, I get used to talking constantly. So when that suddenly gets flipped on it’s head, I lose control of whatever emotions I’m actually feeling.
It’s weird, because now I’m coming in second place but I understand it and accept it and it makes sense. I can’t be someone’s ‘everything’ because there’s so much else to think of. Jobs, independence, control. Hell what I wanna do requires so much traveling I’d be around three times a month if that but yet all I can think about it how my life was three weeks ago.
I don’t like to live even in the immediate past and every decision I’ve made has been such an overthought and analyzed decision and yet I still feel like I’ve gotten it wrong every time. But people come into your life for a reason, even if it’s not the reason you wanted them to. I get what you’re here for now. I have to learn to take a backseat to things. Or learn to let go and not let myself worry about that.
It’s just unfortunate I’ve become such a good detective because it just means I know what to look for and I don’t wanna doubt this one. But now it’s all just doubt. Lots and lots of it. If you see this you probably won’t understand it. And maybe you’ll ask me. Or maybe you’ll skim past it. All I know is, I really wanted to take you on a sushi date.